Nothing Rhymes with Valentine
by Jezzabelle
Summary: Severus/Raphaela Oneshot. Severus hates Valentine's Day and made Raphaela promise not to do anything for it. But what kind of a Constant Annoyance would she be if she just let this holiday pass?


I know I said I wasn't doing any more Severus/Raphaela, but this is just a little oneshot because I didn't include a Valentine's Day in either of the stories. This is just a little, cute, fluffy thing that I thought I should write since the Day of Valentine's is coming up. I hope you like it.

* * *

Okay, so I'd sort of broken my promise. But it wasn't my fault, it was a stupid promise anyway. What kind of a lady-friend would I be if I didn't get Severus something nice for Valentine's? If I didn't give him something, I may as well start wearing robes and calling myself Severus, and I'm sure he didn't want that. Or… maybe he did? That was kind of disturbing. Maybe he had some kind of clone fetish, or something. That would be weird. If he did, there was no way I was going to start dressing up as him. It might be fun, though, to do it once. I could be all like, "Ten points from Slytherin!" And he'd argue with me and say that it was _so_ out of character, that he wouldn't subtract points from his own house because he's a biased old git. Well, he might not say that bit. And I guess I'd have to tell him off because correcting me on the best way to act like him would be a bit of a mood-killer. I do like telling him off though. Maybe I _should_ start dressing up as him.

Anyway, the point is that the second I mentioned that Valentine's Day was coming up, he'd thrown a diva-worthy hissy fit and made me promise at wandpoint that I wouldn't do anything or get him anything or even _think_ about anything to do with Valentine's Day. The buzzkill. And so naturally, after promising him several times that I wouldn't do anything on February the fourteenth, I waited until the next morning and slipped out to Hogsmeade to find the perfect present. It wasn't easy, either. I'd lucked out on that Christmas scarf that he pretended not to love as much as he did (I'd caught him frantically overturning desks and even the mattress on his bed one afternoon when he couldn't find it) but the truth was that Severus was a very difficult man to buy for. I'd asked the friendly salesgirls in the shops what they'd recommend I buy a gentleman-friend for Valentine's, but the best they could offer were vinyl nurse outfits or coffee mugs saying things like 'I don't do mornings'. Since he and I shared a loathing for mugs with slogans and me dressed up like a stripper would probably just make him laugh, the salesgirls were not one iota of help.

Come Valentine's Day, though, I was as excited as a field mouse who'd just happened upon a field full of cornflakes. That's how they make cornflakes, right? In fields? I don't know. Anyway, it was dinnertime on Valentine's Day, and I was excited to give Severus his Valentine's present. So excited, in fact, that I couldn't even eat anything. Okay, that was a lie, I could never be that excited. But I wasn't eating much, because I was so excited.

"Why on earth do you have that idiotic grin on your face, Raphaela?" Severus asked, taking time out from his busy schedule to stare at me with narrowed eyes.

"Oh, wouldn't _you_ like to know!" I cried, giggling. He turned his narrowed-eye stare into a full blown glare, looking livid.

"You'd better not have done anything for… this day. You made a promise that you wouldn't."

"How do you know I didn't have my fingers crossed, smart guy?" I said, still grinning like a fool. He continued to glare.

"Because if you had, I would have to cut them off so you wouldn't renege on any more of your promises," he said softly. Well, that was frightening. But I'd got him a present, and he was going to appreciate it, damn it. I brought it out from under the table where I'd cunningly hidden it, and thrust it towards him.

"Ta-da!" I cried, giggling again. He stared at the pink wrapped package like it was a live bomb and turned purple, looking both mortified and furious.

"Raphaela!" he whispered angrily. "Put that thing away before somebody sees it!"

"Nope, not until you open it," I said, wiggling it at him. He took the parcel from me and tore off the pink wrapping, tossing it aside as though it was covered in corrosive acid. Which it wasn't, mind you. I'd have to be a right fool to put acid on a present. Or a genius... hmm… I must tuck these thoughts away to be properly meditated on later.

"_Why?_" he emphatically exhaled, staring. "Why, Raphaela, have you given me a fluffy pink sweater?"

"That's not your actual present, but you could totally wear it if you wanted to," I said helpfully. "I just put that around it so that the glass wouldn't break."

"Glass?" he muttered, unfolding the fuzzy sweater and drawing out the contents.

"Yes, glass is a clear substance, quite hard, but fragile, commonly used for –"

"_Yes thank you I know what glass is,_" Severus snapped, running the words together in his haste to get cross with me. He stared down at his Valentine's present. "This is… not as disgusting as the sweater," he said quietly, still staring down at it. "The frame is… nice. I don't recall this picture being taken, though."

"It was at the staff Christmas party," I said, peering over his shoulder. "See, you're squinting and trying to hide behind that Christmas tree. I got it off Minerva, she said it was a nice shot of us."

"It is," Severus said, before shaking his head momentarily and turning the picture over. "Raphaela, why must you set out to do the very things I ask you not to do?"

"Because I'm horrid like that," I grinned, throwing my arms around his shoulders. He glared at me but didn't try to shrug me off; he simply crossed his arms and suffered through my affection. I did feel a bit bad though. He obviously hated Valentine's Day and it may not have been the best idea to go against my promise to him. "Come on, let's go. I promise not to get you any more Valentine's Day presents, if you'll forgive me this one time."

"I can't trust your promises, as you've proven," he said icily, standing up and walking with me towards the doors. "I did think you'd not go against my wishes this time, though."

"I'm sorry," I said, staring up at him with my best pitiful face. He wrinkled his nose at it and kept walking. "I really am. I just wanted to do something nice."

"Even knowing how I felt about it," he said. He'd quickened his pace and was several feet in front of me, so I had to break into a jog to catch up. "Watch the stairs." So maybe I was transfixed by his anger with me and I wasn't looking where I was going, but that was no reason to – ouch. Good thing it was only a couple of stairs we were going down, or I would have broken my neck. "See, Raphaela? Do you ever do anything I tell you?"

"Sometimes," I said, accepting his outstretched hand to help me back up. "I started wearing pants on weekends because you asked me to."

"Yes, but that shouldn't count because pants are generally worn by people anyway," he said. "It shouldn't be special if you wear them."

"Hmph," I muttered, walking down another flight of stairs to the dungeons. "I _like_ being in my underpants. And it's not like anyone sees me."

"This is a moot point, Raphaela," Severus said. He opened the door to our room and ushered me inside.

Well… wow. Shiny red balloons floated by the ceiling. Big, heart-shaped candy boxes were scattered on the armchairs. Tiny red hearts sprinkled continuously from the balloons and landed softly on the floor, and soft music was coming from… something. Damn that Severus! After making me promise not to do anything, and getting so angry with me, and making me feel so bad, he goes and does something like this? I would be getting angry with him if I weren't melting faster than an ice cube in a volcano. Actually, scratch that. I would be getting angry with him.

"I am angry with you!" I cried, vocalizing my thoughts eloquently and gracefully. "You broke the promise!"

"That is a moot point, Raphaela," he repeated, a stupid jerk half-smile on his face. "Seeing as you broke it first."

"Yeah, but what if I hadn't, huh?" I said, waggling a finger at him. "Then I'd be allowed to get as angry as I wanted!"

"Oh yes, I'm sure there was even the slightest chance you would fail to celebrate this inane, cutesy holiday," he said dryly. "You are the personification of cutesy inanity, after all."

"I hate you," I pouted, crossing my arms. "You _suck_."

"Happy Valentine's Day to you too, Raphaela," he said, still wearing that dumb half-grin. "Now, enough of that anger. It's time for your _real_ Valentine's present."

What? Oh! Oh. Excellent. This was shaping up to be a _very_ happy Valentine's Day.


End file.
